World of Oh What the Hell?

Have you ever been told about how good you have it today? You know, the stories where old people had to do things like “walk to school in 2 feet of snow, uphill both ways?” When recently picking up WoW again after a yearlong break, I feel like one of those older people. The Dungeon Finder Tool, introduced some time within the past year, makes the game so incredibly easy it is shocking.

I’ve been playing MMOs since 1999. I started with Everquest, which I loved (as I’m pretty sure every MMO player loves their first one), and from there moved on to other games through the years: Dark Age of Camelot, Final Fantasy 11, World of Warcraft, Age of Conan, Warhammer, Vanguard, Everquest 2, and Aion. I’ve always enjoyed playing a healer role in these games, because I like being needed in a group.

In all of those games, there were big challenges. Everquest is a prime example here. You didn’t have any sort of in-game map, you had to use /loc, take note of your coordinates, alt-tab to a browser, and look it up on EQAtlas. Besides epic weapon quests, there were only a very small handful of quests for the whole game. No one had any indicator over their head that they offered a quest, you had to know who to talk to. It was all about finding the best spot for experience points per hour with a group and grinding it out. I never reached max level in Everquest (50 at the time), because I got stuck in level 45, a ‘hell level’ that took 2 weeks of 5 hours playing every day to get through.

Then, comes World of Warcraft. I always compare the release of World of Warcraft for the MMO genre as Windows replacing DOS. It took a concept, and made it accessible to anyone. You didn’t need to be hardcore just to get to max level, crafting was simple and useful, anyone can solo, and questing replaced grinding.

Still, WoW had its challenges. Even though you could level easily, good luck getting the best gear. 40-man raids took hours for each run, and it would be weeks before you would even get one piece of gear from it. There was a very clear distinction between casual and hardcore. When The Burning Crusade expansion debuted, the gap between casual and hardcore became less apparent.

After being burned out with the game, I played the third expansion Wrath of the Lich King only to get my character to the max level, and then tuck it away for the next content update. When my cousin picked up WoW, I decided to jump back in, and am not happy with what I see.

The Dungeon Finder tool. When I first logged in, I didn’t even take a look at it. It has the same icon as the looking for group (LFG ) tool had, and I didn’t really like that tool much. I thought I would grab a daily quest, and take it from there. I was surprised to find, no more are the daily dungeon quests. This is when I was introduced to the new system: you just open the Dungeon Finder tool, and the first random heroic of the day you do, you get about 25 gold, and 2 top-tier badges. Every subsequent use of the tool yields about 15 gold, and 2 badges of the second-to-top tier.

My first reaction was that solved a big issue with PvE. How many times have you been on at an odd hour (or even a normal one), with a full group ready to go, minus a tank, or healer? Everyone always seemed to be waiting for one last spot to show up, and then everyone in the guild fights over who gets them when they sign on. Now, the LFG tool spans multiple servers the same way PVP scenarios do, so finding a group is easy!

The great feeling ended right away. Here I was, in my first dungeon in a year, clearly not geared to blaze through the instance, and the whole group just keeps running forward. Since returning, not one group seems to stop to check to see if everyone is ready. Using crowd control abilities is a thing of the past. The worst part is that it works just fine. We’ve made it through every dungeon with very little trouble.

Further use of the Dungeon Tool unearthed more problems. As long as you use it for random dungeons, you aren’t ever locked out. This means that you can get as many badges as you can stand, so you could replace all of your gear in a few short days. Upgrading gear, earning money and reputation is trivial. Since you can teleport to the dungeon, and are teleported back to exactly where you were before the dungeon began, I’ve had problems where if I die during a dungeon I’ve never been to before “the old fashioned way,” I have no idea how to get back to the instance to resurrect.

So, what’s the big deal? It allows you to have your cake and eat it too; and it seemingly penalizes you if you play with a full group of friends. On top of that, every other MMO is probably scrambling to come up with a way to get something like it.

Remember having to choose between gathering, questing, or running dungeons? Well, why not do both? I’ll just queue for a dungeon, gather, complete dungeon, rinse and repeat. I’ll have everything I need in no time!

When you want to get together with a group of friends in your guild, or all people on your server you recruit through methods other than random choice, you lose a lot of bonuses. You don’t get a payout at the end, nor do you get the extra 2 badges. That is, even if you can get into the dungeon – if you already did it as a random dungeon that day, it is locked out for your group you manually put together. You can only get back in there if you use the random dungeon function.

This is bad for all MMOs. It is a fact that any fantasy-themed MMO that has come out since WoW, and for the foreseeable future, will be compared to WoW, and need to live up to it. If WoW already has a huge player base, and the ability to jump into dungeons without having to walk to them, how are they going to beat that? The competition is going to try to come up with something more convenient, and quicker to use to get people to play their game. WoW is already the king here in America (number of subscriptions-wise).

WoW is going to suffer from this tool as well. It was probably designed with the casual player in mind, so that someone could jump on, play a dungeon, then go on with their day. Reality check: who plays any MMO, jumps on quickly, and then goes on about their day? All this has done is made everyone absolutely need to get the best gear available to be considered a viable ally. It has created a virtual “keeping up with the Jones’.” I’ve only been re-subscribed for a week, and I’m already starting to feel the burnout. I haven’t even done all of the new dungeons, and I don’t care much.

With the release of Cataclysm on the horizon, I’ve come up with ideas that can cater even more to the casual player. First: make NPC mercenaries that players can hire to take through instances with them. They will have all of the best gear, and will tackle dungeons in the most efficient way. They also have every gathering skill and will and will give it all to you upon the dungeon’s completion, along with any badges. Just auto-follow one of them, and watch the events unfold. Second: add a quest where a curator for a museum is collecting legendary items that would be every complete set of gear from the whole game. The quest scans what gear you are wearing, and the curator will just so happen to need that gear to complete his collection. To show his appreciation, he will give you the extra set of the next tier up he has laying around in the back. That quest would be on a 3 hour cool down, as we don’t want people upgrading their stuff too fast.

I think the Dungeon Finder tool is a turn for the worse. Whole entire worlds created to be explored are now just grazed over. Gear meant to be earned over a certain period of time is gained in a few days, trivializing content almost immediately. Learning to play your class is an afterthought. Make sure you know how to stay alive, the rest will work itself out. Sit back and enjoy the riches.

-Can not be killed by conventional methods

Brian Salman

There’s a Paris Hilton joke to be made there, but I’m going to take the high road.

Review for Heavy Rain is up, this was a request and one I was happy to oblige. Seriously, we need more games like this out there. I wonder if there is a way for me to find people who visit my site, HAVE a Playstation3, and if they haven’t played Heavy Rain, instigate some form of corporal punishment on them.

What’s that? Oh right, that’s illegal. Bloody hell.

So I’m still playing Star Trek Online. It’s even starting to grow on me in ways I didn’t truly expect, which is only surprising because I was in here all the way back to Closed Beta. Now I’ve run into this problem before, but how the hell do you review an MMO? If one were to look at World of Warcraft now compared to how it was at launch, they’d likely not recognize it. Or they’d get very angry and post on a forum somewhere ( Have I made it clear I hate people who post on forums yet? Bunch of nutters.)

Yeah, don’t know how to review it yet, but I will share some thoughts.

The long and short is I really like it, and it’s surprising how it’s gone so far. Now, my first MMO was World of Warcraft, which is a bit embarassing at times, sort of like showing up to main stage at Ozzfest, and then being forced to admit that you’ve only ever done “Welcome Back” in Rock Band on Medium. Anyway since then I’ve gone to try a few more MMO’s, some newer, ( Champions Online, Aion ) some older ( Star Wars Galaxies, City of Heroes ) and I feel like I’ve got a bit of a pedigree now. Enough so that I can say this at least.

I am a tank.

Context for the new kids who may not be familiar. Tank is one of three primary roles filled in MMORPG’s. Say you’re in your five man group, and you’re looking straight at the face of a horrible monster that wants to hunt you down and kill your dad. He’s nasty, mean, and probably votes Republican. What do you do? Well, one of you is the healer, who’s job is to keep people alive. Then there’s three people who are DPS, that is damage, they get to hack away at the bastard and they’re the ones who really kill it. So what’s the other guy go to do, go order lunch? No, that’s the tank.

Remember Braveheart? That scene where William Wallace and his army is gathered for the first time in front of the English army, a fairly intimidating lot, and the Scottish Noble asks him, “What are you going to do?” And he turns around, kinda smirks a little, before saying, “I’m going to pick a fight.”

THAT is the job of the tank. The tank’s job is to walk right up to that horrible towering behemoth of the right wing, and tell him to piss off. Their job is to keep the boss occupied and their attention focused on them, so the three damage guys can attack away in relative peace. The meat shield, if you will.

I discovered I liked tanking in WoW, completely by accident. This was my first MMO and I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I happened to be playing as a Paladin, a hybrid class, who could supposedly do any of the three roles. So end game was fast approaching, and in my goal to keep up with my then girlfriend, I knew I wanted to raid. Well, Paladins at the time couldn’t do much damage, so I couldn’t do DPS without being laughed off the stage so to speak. I DAMN SURE didn’t want to heal, so that option was right out. So I said, “What the hell’s tanking all about?”

Turns out, I fucking loved it. While I’ll likely never go back to WoW, I will never forget my first time tanking Magtheridon. Look it up, it’s a bit nuts as far as boss fights go, and when it came my turn to take him on…well, put it this way, if I could have mounted that bastard’s head on my wall, I would have. Note to self: I need a bigger apartment.

I have since gone on to tank in every MMO I have played since. Be it as a Light Side Jedi in Star Wars Galaxies, or a sexually ambivalent Angel Warrior thing in Aion, I’m the first one in, and the last one out of the fight. It’s what I do. There is literally no other role I have identified with in such a way in any context whatsoever.

So when Star Trek Online came around, I figured it’d be the same thing. Space or ground, sci fi or fantasy, group gameplay encounters are all structured around the same principles, you need the damage dealers, the tank and the healer, so STO would be the same. I made my ship captain an Engineer, which besides fitting with the tank/survivability criteria, was the closest I think I’ll ever see to the “Geek in space” wish fullfillment, and figured I’d use a Cruiser, which is the closest ship in STO to a tank class as opposed to Escorts ( DPS ) and Science ships ( Healy/weird ).

Now for the first tier, everyone’s in the same starter ship, a “Light Cruiser”. It’s at the end of that tier when you need to make your choice between the three ship variants. And man, did I labor over this.

I’m forced to admit, alot of why I wanted to tank in the first place, is because I’m one of those people who largely plays MMO’s by himself, and when I do group it’s only with people I know personally. So the classes in WoW that have a hard time soloing, that is get killed every five minutes, don’t work out very well for me. The Paladin tank was a perfect fit for me, because they were made to fight ten or twelve enemies at once and keep going.

So the idea of trying an Escort ship here brought back familiar memories of trying to level a Mage or a “Glass Cannon” if you prefer. However, it’s a design element of STO that the encounters scale to your group. For example, if you enter a zone, and your goal is “Kill the bad guys”. If you’re by yourself, maybe there’s 4 bad guys. If you’re with two friends, maybe there’s twelve! The point being, it scales.

So I picked an Escort, and it turns out, if I really wanted, I could have bought another ship of one of the other two variants myself, but I’m still sticking to my “Don’t spend money on anything until end game” rule I learned previously. The good news is, I no longer WANT to buy another ship. Six levels later, and I am having WAY too much fun with my Escort, zipping around, blowing up everything I see. Shields do go down pretty quick though, so be warned.

Anyway, just some early thoughts. If anyone’s on the fence, I really do recommend checking this one out, it’s got ALOT of potential.

Thinks the Doomsday Machine looks like a giant flying piece of poo.

Joey Tesauro

Gaming Below Presents

Heavy Rain

Before we get into this, I want to thank the people behind Heavy Rain. Because of you, I am now absolutely terrified at the idea of taking my little girl to the mall at any point in her life. Particularly if there’s a clown, though my hatred of clowns is well documented. Thank you David Cage, for saving me and my wallet from a potential lifetime of misery. I really don’t think I can step into a mall with Olivia now without being absolutely terrified she’d be go missing or be abducted by a serial killer. David Cage, you have changed my life. Which is of course, the point. While there’s alot that people just aren’t going to get about it, this is what Heavy Rain does best, it establishes a powerful emotional connection to the player.

Oh, and there’s tits too, but that’s another story.

At any rate, what you get out of Heavy Rain is going to depend greatly upon what you expect going in, and what you hope to come away with. Truth be told, everything about Heavy Rain eschews alot of what we’ve come to expect as basic gameplay conventions in the modern era of gaming. The majority of the actual gameplay is a series of elaborate quick time events, which is the sort of thing that seems to either inspire ambivalence or seething hatred. Beyond that, the pace is slow, ( I prefer the term Methodical ) the voice acting and writing is erratic, it has that badly dubbed European thriller import film feel to it entirely too much, and occasionally there are plot lines that just don’t seem to go anywhere.

Assuming we get past all that however, we’re left with one of the more memorable examples of pure interactive storytelling in gaming.

Heavy Rain is the product of French game developer Quantic Dream, written and directed by David Cage. Before this, their most recent work was a game called Fahrenheit ( Europe ) or Indigo Prophecy ( In the United States ). Released on the PS2, Xbox and later PC, Indigo Prophecy still stands on my list of top ten most memorable intros, where after watching a cutscene of a man stabbing someone to death in a bathroom, you take control of the murderer who only just woke up and realized what was happening.

The power of choice given here characterizes the games developed by Cage. How do you react? Do you hide the murder weapon? Do you wash up? Clean up the scene? Or do you just freak out and get the hell out of dodge as it were? Many games have taken us into different escapist fantasies in our lives, but few have ever placed a character into a role so effectively as this, and Heavy Rain is much the same flavor.

Note: I had thought I was clever, cleaned up, hid weapon, hid body, etc etc, until I walked out of the diner and got called out by the waitress for not paying my bill, giving her and the COP SITTING AT THE COUNTER a great view of my face. Loved that game.

That said, Indigo had its fair share of pants on head retarded things going on. The majority of the story had you as the aforementioned murderer trying to understand what happened to you to make you commit this terrible crime. You also spent your time controlling the police detectives assigned to the same case. Things tended to go off the rails the farther in you got, as we go from borderline supernatural elements to outright Matrix Esque conspiracies and zombie erotica.

….there’s a sentence I never thought I’d see myself write…

ANYWAY…Heavy Rain is largely concerned with Ethan Mars, whose child Sean has been abducted by the “Origami Killer”, a serial killer who kills children for reasons that are not readily apparent at the outset. Similar to Indigo, you play as multiple protagonists, the missing child’s father Ethan, who after losing a child already two years prior has been on something of a downward spiral; FBI Profiler Norman Jayden who’s investigating the crimes as well while trying to fend off the shakes from his lingering drug addiction, Private Detective Scott Shelby who’s hired by the victims families to investigate, and journalist Madison Paige an inexplicable insomniac who’s got that female reporter knack for being at the wrong place at exactly the right time.

The production values are somewhat all over the place. The voice acting and dialogue combine to be at times adequate to unintentionally funny at others, ( Everyone seems to pronounce Origami as “Oar-ee-Gah-MEEE” as if they were trying to do a bad Boston accent ), but thankfully the mystery itself is still compelling enough that I was rarely taken out of the experience. Much of the gameplay here is guiding one of your four protagonists, investigating areas you’re in for clues and items of interest. An early scene has Scott Shelby visit a mother of a previous Origami Killer victim. How you handle her depends on if you get any information from her, whether you’re sympathetic, or sarcastic, etc.

Action scenes are handled in pure quicktime event fashion, but they’re implemented well enough that you tend to know when they’re coming, and as such, there’s little repetition involved, which is the primary reason why most QTE’s seem to make people so angry. Once you get used to the game, there’s a reasonable expectation to get through them the first run through. There are a few scenes here and there where the FBI profiler investigates scenes for evidence and goes over evidence with his ARI system, a very Minority Report sort of system, but I found these sequences too few and far between for my tastes.

I should say this now. This is the sort of game that alot of people just aren’t going to ‘get’. The prologue of the game is basically you playing Ethan in his idyllic life before it all went down the crapper, doing such exciting things as watching TV, hitting on his wife, or playing helicopter with his kids. These are things that all serve a purpose in the context of setting up the story and who these people are in it, but for that stereotypical FPS fan who goes into a seizure if he doesn’t drink the blood of a high borne virgin every five minutes, it’s ALOT to sit through for the better part of an hour.

Also, many of you will freak out about the naked man ass in the prologue. Look just fucking deal with it. It’s a European game, they’re not as squeamish as the United States. Remember, there’s tits too, just be patient.

Let’s see what the judges have to say. Joining Loque and British, european art snob.

Loque: ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…..

British: I rather liked it. Though I admit I found myself replaying small episodes of the game at a time to see how much I could torture the protagonists. Ending was a bit predictable, I wouldn’t call it a twist as much as a lay down in the middle of the road and just give up.

European art snob: What’s a ‘video game’?

British: …Loque, wake up.

Loque: zzzwaahh, what’s going on, what’d I miss?

British: That bastard over there! He said you’re shit in Modern Warfare!

Loque: WHAT?

European Art Snob: What? Wait, no!!!

Oh bloody hell. I need to start checking that guy for weapons. Ah well, I’m glad I got the French snob and not the Italian one now.

So Heavy Rain’s not without its issues. The controls are a bit of getting used to if you haven’t played Fahrenheit already, some plot-lines seem to go nowhere ( This may be because I’ve only finished one play-through thus far however ), and perhaps my biggest annoyance; It’s a Playstation3 exclusive.

No really, this irritates the proverbial shit out of me. The vast majority of PS3 owners I know are really of the aforementioned drooling FPS type, and they’re just NOT the audience for this game. With a game like this, it needs to hit as many people as possible, and you’re just not going to see that on a sole console. That they couldn’t work out whatever legal bollocks was required to get this thing ported to the PC is frankly, a crime.

I call this a crime because Heavy Rain NEEDS to do well, because while there are plenty of missed steps to be found if you look hard enough, there just aren’t any experiences like it right now, and this is the kind of thing we need to see more of. That said, between Bioware’s latest offerings and now this, it’s a very good time to be a fan of interactive storytelling, as opposed to Square Enix.

Not very good with Origami it turns out

Joey Tesauro

Well it had to end sometime. I officially declare my low morale induced writer’s block at an end, as I publish another review tonight, the Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass.

Yes, god help us all, Joey is reviewing a Nintendo game. Blame Jake, it was his idea.

In exponentially more interesting news, I picked up Heavy Rain tonight. What have I learned so far? I absolutely SUCK at Origami. Seriously, I got to step 9 out of 12 and said bugger this. I will admit this is a clever diversion while waiting for the game to install on my Playstation3. Expect a review on this in the near future, as I’ve been looking forward to this for a while.

I’ve also learned recently that I may have played entirely too much Dragon Age: Origins, as during my last playthrough, I noticed the achievement for “Traveler” that being covering the entirety of the in game map ticked off for me. This prompted me to check my achievement process, at which point I notice that was 100 percent achievements for me. Well. Ok then.

Normally I don’t much give a toss about achievements, but with a Bioware game that I really like, I admit, I’m proud of myself. How about you guys, are they just the proverbial pat on the back from a non existant developer, at best an amusing way to explore systems in a game you might miss otherwise or at worst a half hearted attempt to provide a false sense of accomplishment? What games have you cared about these?

More reviews on the way, stay tuned!

The Man in the Box

Joey Tesauro

Gaming Below Presents…

The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass

Well….fuck.

I really didn’t want to be in this position. I mean really, is there any point in talking about a Zelda game anymore? I wonder if we’ll get the boomerang or the hookshot first this time. Let’s face it, the Legend of Zelda series is to gameplay innovation what the Republicans are to compassion; this is just an alien concept for them. Note: Nice job surviving that heart attack Cheney.

Dickhead.

So I found myself recently tasked with doing a bit of traveling for my day job, sent to our offices in Toronto. It was my roommate’s suggestion to take his copy of Legend of Zelda: The Phantom Hourglass along for the plane ride. Which in some ways turned out to be a good thing, as weather delays and the merry band of assholes known as U.S. Customs gave me plenty of time for gaming. The negative being that I had to play a Zelda game…

Let’s just put the cards on the table here, the last Zelda game I played through from start to finish was Twilight Princess, back when I was still into that hyper advanced etch a sketch known as the Nintendo Wii. And upon finishing, while I concede that I felt something of a sense of accomplishment, I put forth the theory that to play through one Zelda game was to play through them all. Subsequent experience with Wind Waker, now Phantom Hourglass and the overrated, ( YES, I SAID IT! ) Ocarina of Time have only cemented this school of thought.

Phantom McGuffin is somewhat unique in that it’s apparently a direct sequel to the Gamecube released Wind Waker, bringing back unpleasant memories of the last time I saw something like this done, namely Final Fantasy X-2, aka the japanese Charlie’s Angels. The first thing that becomes abundantly clear, and perhaps this is because it’s released on the DS, is that this game is clearly marketed for kids. Now I’m not saying every game has to be all dark, dripping in the blood of a virgin, marketed by EA games noise. On the contrary, on a world spanning adventure game, a lightness of tone can be a great storytelling asset. I just wish game developers wouldn’t confuse ‘lightness of tone’ with ‘kiddy game’. Stuff like this really does make me hate kids.

So once again, you take on the role of Link, or really whatever you name your version of Link, the hero of time, still traveling with pirate princess Zelda. And just when you’re reeling from all the staggering new ideas, it takes about five minutes for her to get herself kidnapped and set yourself up on the ‘ I’m on a never ending quest to save my girlfriend’ schtick. Though it strikes me as interesting that Link is always either ten, or a homosexual, because her and Peach must have some “NEVER PUT OUT” accord going on. It’s like they’re afraid no one will come save them if their story arcs reach some kind of emotional climax.

So that’s the story. And in case you haven’t felt your ears bleed in a long time, the next character you run into is Navi’s long lost cousin, still going, “Hey, Listen!” and just begging to get punched in the face. I feel like criticizing the story in a Zelda game would be like trying to break down a brick wall using my head as a chisel and the DS Lite as a hammer, all I’m going to get is a headache, and I’ll probably have to buy a new DS. So let’s just leave it at that.

Now, because this is a DS Lite game, the gameplay is tailored to the use of the Stylus. And here, I’ve actually found a lot to like. Many of DS games seem unable to decide whether to use the Stylus or the d-pad and buttons, and the result is a rather annoying mess of having to juggle both disparate control styles. Here Phantom Hourglass wisely makes you rely on the stylus, and there are a number of gameplay mechanics that all fit the characterization of the world. For example, you find a treasure map, and you can use the stylus to mark it on your own map so you can find it later. You’re trekking through fire based dungeon number 37, and you find a hint laying out where the traps are, and you can draw yourself a reminder on your own map.

Combat is similarly handled by the Stylus. You move the point where you want to go, and when you see an enemy, most of the time just clicking on it will make your Link charge and slash. Occasionally they call for more creative means of attack, such as the electrified enemies that charging tends to just shock you, and while it’s not especially difficult, it does keep you active enough to make time pass by.

Though it needs to be mentioned that this game continues the trend of Nintendo finding new ways for me to embarrass myself. I clear out a room of monsters and there’s a woman hiding behind the door. Navi tells me, “Call out to her!” and it dawns on me that the game wants me to physically yell into the microphone.

No. No, no, no. Misanthropic IT guy/gamer though I am, and while the gentleman sitting next to me was a fairly reasonable sort, particularly given his Philadelphia heritage, there are limits to what I’m willing to do in public. I wasn’t going to shout out “Objection”! when I played Phoenix Wright in the break room at work, and I sure as hell wasn’t about to yell at the DS Lite to get some crazy woman to open her shop door.

Note: Blowing into the Mic seemed to be enough for the twisted malevolence behind the scenes.

Much of the gameplay is, as in past entries, focused around exploring dungeons for various items and mcguffin used to help a great spirit save the land. And again maybe because of the kid focus, the riddles all feel pretty insultingly easy, but I found myself liking the way they worked the DS interface into it. When I had to blow out a candle, I had to blow into the mic, and using the stylus to draw paths for the boomerang was fun, especially when I’d use it to harass the wandering guards who couldn’t see me from where I was hiding.

If I’m running out of things to talk about, it’s only because this is all fairly insubstantial, and if you’ve played a Zelda game before, then you’ve played this. Same midi soundtracks echoing familiar themes, same gameplay structure. For all of you people who complained about how much time it took to sail in Wind Waker, you’ll be happy to know that Nintendo has heard your complaints; and done FUCK ALL about it. Alright let’s go to the judges for their thoughts. Along with Loque and British, I bribed a nintendo fanboy with some pokemon cards to get his opinion. Gentlemen?

Loque: No. No no no no no. I feel like spending any more time with this game then the time it takes to push start would make my girlfriend refuse to touch me. Hell no. This is tits and ass repellant. Send it back.

British: I’m afraid I have to agree with my associate. Assuming you don’t own a t-shirt with the Triforce emblazoned on it, or have some brats in the backseat you need to throw something at to get them to shut up, this isn’t for you.

Nintendo Fanboy: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? THIS IS EVERYTHING WE LOVED ABOUT THE LAST ZELDA GAMES ALL OVER AGAIN IN A PORTABLE FORMAT! HAVING LINK TRAVEL THE WORLD AND INTERACT WITH PEOPLE, SAILING THE SEAS, THIS GAME IS-

*Gunshot*

…Well….I lose more judges that way. Loque, did you HAVE to bring the sniper rifle?

When it comes down to it, the Legend of Zelda games are one of those things I find myself really wanting to like, but now when I pull the Master Sword out of the stone, I just find a spork. Every now and then I’ll hear the tunes and it’ll make me think back to when I was a kid and Link to the Past was out, and one of my pillars of adventure was a young boy’s journey to save a princess. The fact is, I’m not a kid anymore, and while there are games I can play that help me preserve that time lost sense of adventure, this isn’t it.

-Lost in Time

Joey Tesauro

Morale is hanging on a slope more slippery than Stewie’s heterosexuality at the moment, so let’s just get right to business.

Tried the Dante’s Inferno demo recently via Xbox Live. I know everyone’s been saying this game is alot like God of War, but from what I’ve seen, this isn’t LIKE God of War, it IS God of War. I’m not sure how to feel about that. On one hand, people like to say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. On the other hand, how many of those people have actually HAD their hard and legitimately good work ripped off so blatantly? At any rate, they’re still making a damn good game, even if it is a bastard clone of Jaffe’s baby, so I can’t get too upset. Although wait a tick, wasn’t this a comedy?

Got my key for the Star Trek Online closed beta. Considering it’s still in closed phase, my hands are more or less tied about what I can actually talk about. THAT SAID…there’s alot there, and I like damn near all of it. And particularly considering the mood I’ve been in lately, that’s saying ALOT. And since we enter open beta phase next week, for anyone on the fence, get the hell off of it before you hurt yourself, this is shaping up to be something the sci fi geeks ( Including me ) or the guys who are just sick to death of elves ( also me ) have been waiting for.

Over the break I got a chance to play around with New Super Mario Bros Wii, and it immediately reminded me of all the reasons why I find Nintendo so goddamn infuriating. They have enough money to buy the moon, with a fanbase so loyal and rabid that they could come out with a game about a serial child rapist and it would STILL manage to sell. And while they sit on this position that other game developers with loads of creative ideas struggle just to stay in business, or in the case of Pandemic lose the fight entirely, all they do is RELEASE THE SAME SHIT OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Seriously, if I and everyone else are expected to buy a digital TV by 2010, then you’re not allowed to ignore the last 15 years of game innovation.

This is one of those days I find myself strangely missing George Bush. Not that I voted for the guy or was a fan in any way of his politics, but he really was a great blame figure. I need a new one of those, and stat. I’m open to new ideas here. I considered Michael Atkinson, but he’s someone else’s problem.

Note: I have temporarily removed the option to add comments unless you register on the site. I’m genuinely sorry about this, but seriously guys, I’m spending half my time filtering spam, so until I find a reliable automatic filter, I need to take the power back. I promise I will never email you unsolicited.

Well, except you, Dave.

Joey Tesauro

Can’t judge Stewie, as he’s rapidly giving up on the female sex as well.

Like everyone else with the kinds of social skills required to hang out on the internet, I love Star Wars. With that in mind, Gaming Below is bringing to you a Star Wars themed Christmas with a couple of videos relating the George Lucas’ sci fantasy opus.

The first is the Star Wars holiday special. Broadcast in its entirety November 17th 1978, is widely considered one of the worst moments in television history. The special follows the principal cast of the Star Wars film as Chewbacca tries to go home to see his family on Kashyyyk for “Life Day” celebrations. I personally find it amusing in its unbridled, unrelenting awfulness. The majority of the Wookies’ dialogue is never translated even though there’s a perfectly capable protocol droid ( i.e. translator )on the stage, and there is no way in hell Carrie Fisher isn’t high on something while she sings the “Life Day” song, with John Williams’ iconic score as backdrop.  It’s almost savant like in its retarded genius.

Then again, while George Lucas seems to earnestly regret this abortion of television amusement, he still made the Phantom Menace, so he’s fairly guilty of fucking up his own franchise anyway, and that brings us to our second piece, a 70-minute review of the Phantom Menace by some guy named Mike from Milwaukee. In several parts, he discusses why the movie is a complete and utter pile of crap, such as having no identifiable main character for the audience to connect with ( i.e. Luke Skywalker ). While the author of the video might be trying a bit hard with some of the random fourth wall bits, it’s both an amusing and insightful look into understanding exactly why this movie is so bad it makes my eyes bleed when I watch it.

Links to follow below. That said, Merry Christmas, late Happy Chanukah and Happy Kwanzaa to you and your families.

Now bugger off, I’m going to see my daughter.

If you strike me down, I will become more powerful then you can possibly imagine.

Joey Tesauro

Star Wars Holiday Special

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/news/view/97036-Celebrate-Life-Day-with-the-Star-Wars-Holiday-Special

Phantom Menace Review-

http://www.slashfilm.com/2009/12/17/watch-this-70-minute-video-review-of-star-wars-the-phantom-menace/

Our Top Story today kids, Exile in Rosedale – The Musical Life of Seven 1963-2009

This one’s a long time in the making, I’ve got a friend of mine who’s been working on an autobiographical piece for a while now, and the release date is now so close we’ve even got a trailer for it. Set to release on December 15th, Exile in Rosedale is an inside look into one of the more persistant artisans of our age. Best part is, just because it’s dated to 2009, he’s not actually dead, so we can still give the guy crap if we want to!

Seriously, I’ve been looking forward to this one, and knowing the author as I do, I expect it’ll be worth checking out. Below is a url to a trailer for the book on YouTube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DrE8fobAmH0

Just posted the review for Halo 3: ODST. This marks my offical caving into peer pressure as I introduce a formal rating system for my reviews featuring judges Loque and British. Expect to see more of these guys very soon. Will post a quick bio for each below that will eventually be on the “About the Site” page when I get around to making it. As always, comments/feedback are welcome.

-Fully intends to market his own psychosis

-Joey Tesauro

Gaming Below Judges

Loque
Real name: Paul Jackson
Weapon of Choice: Sniper Rifle
Alignment: Lawful Neutral
Favorite games: Call of Duty Modern Warfare, Unreal Tournament

Quote: HEADSHOT!

Likes to kill things. When he’s not killing things, he gets upset and wants to kill other things. Vicious cycle. Favors a sniper rifle and first person shooters. Can be distracted by shiny things and very nice graphics. Very vulgar and to the point when not killing things. More so when he is.

British
Real name: Unknown
Weapon of choice: Run on sentences
Alignment: Chaotic Evil
Favorite games: Planescape: Torment, Grim Fandango,
Quote: Bollocks.

No one knows his real name because Loque just calls him “British” and he himself hates people too much to be bothered to correct anyone. Misanthropic introverted english gamer with a preference for story based games like RPG’s. Confirmed D/D player under the alias “Fugly Shonuff”.

Gaming Below presents
Halo 3:ODST

The Halo series and I have some history together. From our James Cameron inspired beginnings with Halo: Combat Evolved, the all night from midnight to dawn split narrative of Halo 2, to the Return of the Jedi crescendo of Halo 3. This isn’t like the sadomasochistic history between me and japanese rpg’s, I’ve spent something of the last eight years playing Halo games and even while warding off the creature from the black lagoon known as nostalgia, I can honestly say I really enjoy these games, from the admittedly contrived but fun story, the console friendly FPS gameplay model and their general contribution to gaming as a whole.

I’m not sure when it became cool to hate on Halo, though if I had to guess I’d say it was around the time that it led the migration of FPS games on to consoles and away from the sole dominion of the PC gaming elite, and provided a way to use a controller, rather then a keyboard and mouse for this sort of gaming. Look, I have absolutely zero interest in arguing over which is better (Personally, while I think keyboard/mouse is always more precise I prefer consoles generally), I’d like to think we should all be able to just do our thing and have fun with it, but I will say that it’s getting a little tiring when admitting you like Halo is the same as saying you’re the gaming equivalent of a drunken frat guy idiot, so fuck you, I like Halo and I’m not ashamed of it. And to everyone who complains about regenerating health being unrealistic, I’d really thought we’d abandoned absolute realism in first person shooters around the time MIT graduates were killing aliens with a fucking crowbar.

So now we have Halo 3: ODST, the little expansion pack that could. What started as a side project at best and at worst a really asshole way to get people to pay again for multiplayer maps they already bought ( HAH! I had been holding out on buying any of them! ) has turned into an entirely new campaign and added multiplayer bonuses that should prove worth looking into if the end of the Halo trilogy still left you wanting more and you realized Halo Wars was complete and utter shite.

Game development is an interesting process, and at least from the outside observers perspective, I really have to feel for the designers in alot of cases. It seems like one of the major reasons for sequels to exist is to help designers realize all the things they wanted to do in the first game release but just couldn’t for any number of reasons. This was the case to some extent in both Halo 1 and 2, but never does it feel more acute than in the introduction of the Orbital Drop Shock Troopers (I’m equal parts proud and sad that I didn’t have to look up that acronym ). Mentioned only briefly, and really only seen in one cutscene in Halo 2, these are a group of special forces who, you guessed it, drop into action from orbit, because apparently the traditional HALO ( High Altitude Low Opening ) jump was for pussies. You play as The Rookie, a new comer to this particular five man squad of ODST’s. In a lineup that is sure to make any geek’s jaw drop, three of your remaining squad members are played by Nathan Fillion, Adam Baldwin and Alan Tudyk, all of Firefly fame, and your squad is accompanied by a cryptic ONI agent played by Tricia Helfner of Battlestar Gallactica fame. Who plays the additional squad member? I’m sorry to say but I really can’t remember, and after listing the cast of Firefly I just can’t bring myself to care. ( Disclaimer in the name of professionalism: His name is and he delivers a perfectly adequate performance as well )

Your team is dropped into action during the events of Halo 2, while the Covenant begin their attack on and eventual take over of the ‘megacity’ of New Mombassa. In the wake of the Departure of a Covenant capital ship and the explosion it leaves behind, you as The Rookie are separated from your squad, and knocked out. You wake up in your pod six hours later. The majority of the game then splits between two perspectives. As the Rookie, you spend your time wandering the darkened streets of occupied New Mombassa fighting Covenant, trying not to get killed, and figure out what happened to your squad. When the Rookie finds a clue that his teammates left behind, the perspective switches back to one of the other ODST’s, and you play out the events that led to that particular clue being left there, gradually piecing together what happened to them while you were out, and due to the performances by the cast of Firefly, Number 9, and some other dude, you really can’t help but care about your teammates and be invested in discovering what happened to them.

Make no mistake, this isn’t the galaxy spanning epic that the previous entires in the Halo series were. You spend the entirety of the game in New Mombassa, making it the first Halo game where you never actually go to a Halo. There is no Flood to deal with, no Guilty Spark ( Some people really seem to hate that gibbering thing ), just the humans and their struggle. As such it’s a far more grounded story, and the Noir influences the box art was going for really do come across. As the story unfolds, your attempt to find out the fate of your team is rewarded and further mysteries as to what your shady ONI boss wanted are revealed. And while it doesn’t have the scale of previous Halo entries, I found myself growing alot more attached to my silent hero, even if that did mean I was missing out on writing gems like, “The cable, I’m going to cut it.” SOLID. FUCKING. GOLD. Overall, it’s no closer to Shakespeare then the previous entries, but it’s a solid story that lets the characters do their thing and have some fun on the way.

Gameplay…well what the hell is there to say about Halo’s gameplay? While there is some refinements to the formula given the new protagonist, for the most part, you already know whether or not you like the Halo gameplay. Dual wielding ( another concept that seems to really twist some people’s tits off ) has been removed, and your character’s default weapons are both a silent magnum which is disturbingly effective and satisfying at headshots, and a silenced SMG. Other then that, and the omission of the Battle Rifle, the weapons are the same as seen in Halo 3, for better or worse. The Spartan Laser is just as annoying to charge up, and just as satisfying when you finally do fuck someone up with it, be it an incoming Ghost or a group of Brutes marching in line like giant wooden ducks. The levels as your ODST teammates is tried and true Halo formula up and down.

Wandering the streets as the Rookie makes for an extremely different experience then playing as the 8 foot tall cyborg Master Chief. You’re completely alone, enemy forces like the Brutes tower over you and are able to throw you a block away, and take a ton of abuse. More then once my roommate’s heard me exclaim “OH SHIT” when I came across a pair of Hunters, lighting up the alley I had been trying to sneak through with their fusion cannons. It also makes for a much more somber, vulnerable, and consequently immersive experience. The standout moment that made it clear I was no longer the Master Chief was while playing on Legendary, I’d stumbled upon a Mongoose ( Halo’s equivalent of an ATV ) and was feeling pretty pleased with myself. Seeing a Brute approaching, I reared back and hit the gas to run him over, only for him to charge me in return, and send both me and the mongoose flying across the street, my spine wrapped around an inconveniently placed lamppost. Yeah, definitely not an 8 foot tall cyborg anymore.

The other major addition to gameplay besides the Rookie comes from the Firefight multiplayer mode, in which you and three teammates attempt to fend off waves of attacking Covenant for as long as possible. A few of the missions in the campaign mode foreshadow it a bit, and if you played Horde mode in Gears of War, this will feel pretty similar, but in a good way. You’ll want some practice on the various maps, but after a bit of working together with your preferred teammates, it’s a fun experience. The catch there is it isn’t something I recommend pugging, you’ll want people you’ve gamed with before for this one. This isn’t one of those multiplayer games where you can just run around like an ass screaming and do well in, it definitely favors the coordinated team. Not to say people on Live don’t STILL do that because yes, it’s Live, but it’s not the best way to approach it.

So what else is there to say? The production values are as high as ever, though the Halo 3 engine still looks a bit off when it comes to conveying realistic facial features, ( Yeah, Number Six doesn’t come across QUITE as hot here, sorry guys ). Martin O Donnell’s work on the score is solid as ever and the aforementioned voice cast do alot to add to the game’s immersion factor. As originally advertised, also included with (New) copies of the game is a disc including the standalone Halo 3 Multiplayer mode, along with new Mythic maps as well as all maps released previously. Ok so it’s kind of a rub for those who have been buying the maps all along, but you still get some new maps, and the ODST game really does feel like it can stand on its own.

And now, let’s go to the judges for the final score. Joining Loque and British is Romulus, our guest judge and lover of all things sci fi.

Loque – …Not enough sniping. Fun in the usual vein of Halo and still better then the Halo clones out there, at least this actually IS Halo rather then just playing dress up, but still all stuff I’ve seen before. Good to kill time with while I’m waiting for Modern Warfare 2 if nothing else.

British – Well given my disregard for my fellow man, the multiplayer is lost upon me, but I really did have alot of fun with the Rookie set pieces and the video log collectibles left behind. Maybe it’s because he never opens his mouth, but I’m very fond of the Rookie. I’ll admit, I’m glad to add it to the Halo collection, even if I doubt I’ll pick it up again anytime soon.

Romulus – So I’m pretty sure the only characters Nathan Fillian ever plays are himself, and you know what, I’m ok with that. Though the bits with Tricia Helfner feel a little forced, whether that’s her or the writings fault I can’t say, the rest of the team really are a blast. Sci fi nerdgasm from start to finish.

There you have it. Taken on its own merits, ODST is a solid and enjoyable FPS, even if it’s all things we’ve seen before. If you enjoyed Halo, you will find this an enjoyable addition way to spend an all nighter. And if you didn’t, you already know who you are and this isn’t going to sell you, so you should probably just go play Modern Warfare 2.

Controversy. Eh.

So it’s been a few weeks now and apparently everyone, everywhere in the galaxy owns a copy of Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2. At this rate when we eventually crack the surface of Mars and discover life, it’ll be in the form of a few martians sitting on a couch with xbox live headsets on screaming homophobic obscentities.

So why is this thing so popular?

Well, it’s the follow up to one of the more highly rated first person shooters of this seventh generation of consoles. My office was abuzz with chatter from the fps heads leading up to release, generally earning tired expressions from the more RPG centered gamers on this side of IT.

It could be because, let’s make no mistake, it’s a very good game. Hype aside, expectations aside, you will almost never be bored playing this game. Even the multiplayer, which I normally avoid like the plague, completely took over a weekend for me while I drowned myself in a never ending parade of smooth, unadulterated fragfests in the most pure sense of the word.

Or, it could be because of the controversy.

Look, let’s face it, controversy sells. Like when Bioware leaked that there was a sex scene in Mass Effect, controversy breeds knee jerk reactions from concerned parents and generally everyone who watches Fox News. All this attention brings exposure, and as it turns out, there are people out there who will check out a game just because it gets Hillary Clinton’s tits twisted.

Honestly though, I was kinda bored.

Let me explain. The hot coffee this round is international terrorism. Early in the game there’s a bit of exposition concerning a character you’re playing being drafted into an elite special forces group run by Lance Henriksen, and they’re sending you undercover to do…something with a Russian ultranationalist named Makarov, who’s evil because he’s named after a gun.

After that bit of voiceover, you ride an elevator with three other guys, one of them presumably Makarov, get told not to speak any russian, walk out of the elevator into a crowded airport, and start gunning down people en masse.

Make no mistake, this is probably the most graphic, the most literal depiction of an unspeakable act of violence against humanity. Even if you yourself decide you’re not going to shoot anyone yourself, you’re forced to walk through the level slowly with your fellow terrorists, stepping over piles of bodies, wounded people clinging to life next to a bench before you or one of the others puts another bullet into them either out of mercy or simple sadism.

As gamers, we are trained that hitting civilians is BAD. We lose points for it, we lose health for it, and even when they annoy the shit out of us, ( Looking at you Assassin’s Creed ), we’re trained, we do NOT hurt the civilians. And here’s this game throwing that playbook out the window in a manner of seconds.

It SHOULD be a startling elevation of what can be done with interactive fiction. What it is, is an underwhelming set piece. A precursor to the rest of the plot which involves a russian invasion of the United States that would make even Tom Clancy dubious. To avoid getting sidetracked, let’s just say that the rest of this plot is like a Michael Bay movie, only alot less subtle and more predictable. It’s global carnage on an unprecedented scale, and it really only serves to connect one gunfight to the next. So why didn’t it work?

The problem is immersion. Infinity Ward has never been known for their story telling techniques, and without the proper pace and setup, the moment itself has no meaning. Why is this guy so important that the CIA wants to put you next to him? Why are we willing to go along with a terrorist act like this beyond the simple undercover rule of, “Just go along with it because it wasn’t easy to get you in.” ? Isn’t that enough to allow our PC to hit the panic button? We’re given no backstory on Makarov other then some connections to the previous games antagonist, instead they opt for the, “Look what he’s doing, he’s a REALLY bad guy!”. Which makes him pretty menacing sure, but about as compelling as watching paint dry.

Without any immersion or personal stake in the story and what’s going on, all we’re left with is set pieces. Sure they’re all very pretty and exciting, but lacking any real context it’s hard to get that worked up about. In the end, I’m offended too. And no I’m not offended because they dared to do international terrorism in mainstream gaming, I’m offended because they didn’t take the time to develop the story into a cohesive piece of fiction that could stand on its own as anything more than ammunition for the people who think gaming is turning people into sadists.

Honestly, it’s not just controversial; it’s lazy storytelling without any sense of logic. Yes the game as a whole is alot of fun, but when you look at it from the perspective of advancing interaction fiction, it’s all smoke and mirrors. A lot of style, almost no substance.

Then again, considering the millions of copies this thing is selling, it could be I’m the only one who gives a shit about this.

Is Anyone Listening?

Joey Tesauro